Its a bumpy road

The past few nights has been interesting.  I have been hearing quite a few things about Craig and his past as I guess he needs to get it off his chest, but the ones that goes into debt he never got into and in time he will tell me.  I knew part of it was what happened to him in the past and at the same time I knew that it was his old doctor (Ann Lemire) who he now calls the dragon lady was stirring up his emotions.  Also what I had learned that he was talking to his counselor about us, which we were on bumpy roads at times since we both met, and he ended up telling the doctor who works at the clinic as well under the same roof as the doctor.  It annoyed me because counselors aren't suppose to say anything outside of the room of the counselor's office, the counselor told the doctor.  So she told Craig that he needed to ask me to leave the house.  In other words she was trying to break us up.

Sometime last year I guess a button was pressed in his head and he ended up getting fed up and asked me to leave.  I didn't know what he was talking about and was confused.  He kept repeating himself that I needed to leave and go back to my family or have my sister give me a ticket to return to Ireland or something as he put it, but I had to leave.  I was putting the puzzle together to even why he was saying all this and the dragon lady was behind all this.

I eventually became very emotional and was in a panic stage.  I wondered what was going to happen to me because at the time I was waiting for my disability, no money was coming in, and I wasn't going to go down to my family as they are the last people I wanted to stay with.  They are a good family and would watch out for me but i would be feeling that the little boy is returning home from school or from running away.

I ended up calling my sister with tears going down my face and she was concerned on whats happening to me. I was talking to her about 10 minutes and she wanted to talk to Craig and after a good 20 minutes of talking he handed over phone back to me as I was talking to her again she was telling me that I have to realize that he was really sick because what he was going through and went through 2 kidney failures.  The outcome of this was he was going to give me 30 days and see how it goes.  The past 30 days I had remained calm because I do have my moments as well.

What we also discussed about these past couple of days was that from the beginning of meeting together and officially boyfriends, he kept his distance and was feared of getting hurt again.  I felt that neglected for 5 or 6 years that I was started to become a loss of interest with him that I ended up searching for another guy online, not to leave Craig, but a boyfriend on the side who would care the way I wanted to be treated, the way I wanted to be kissed and not a kiss by a heterosexual pecking my lips.

I felt very alone with all this that is happening, I was wondering where my life was heading.  I was still waiting for my disability to come through, at the same time if I had would had left him, wondering if he would be okay.  I am pretty much of a caring person, but as I mentioned I do have my moments.

Is it going to end?

Last night I had been feeling emotional in bed.  I was putting on Craig's hand supporters to help him keep his wrists up and was thinking back how he was able to use his hands with pain free as well in his legs.  He was telling me about that this is life and we would have to deal with things like this whether we like it or not.  He is getting slightly better, I wish it was now.  I suppose that I am worrying about if this is going to be the way his life is going to be, and receiving those monthly treatments at the IV fusion place to help his immune system.

I was thinking back the times before any of this has happened.  Approximately 2 1/2 years ago one day he left the house on his appointment feeling fine and dandy until he came back and got out of the cab and his leg gave up.  That's when things started happening.  I also was thinking about how he used to cook dinners and helping around the house and taking those walks.  I think that kind of hit me when i was laying in bed last time.

Do you know how things in life change?  I don't know why but I cannot seem to accept that whole thing had happened to him and I just want to wake up from this dream

The Hands and Legs

It seems that Craig has been a little depressed about his condition.  He is feeling pain in his left leg and wondering if he would have straight hands again since his wrists are pushed downwards making his hands down like a puppy's front paw as if the front leg was up.  There is little muscle meat on the top of his forearm which makes it difficult for him to lift his hands up since that's where he could be able to have the strength in him.  if he has that, then he would be able to lift his hands up. He doesn't even know if the physical therapy is working.  The therapist see some movement, Time is running out and doesn't know if his insurance will cover it.  He just has to continue with his homework at home, even after the treatments are over.  

It snowed today so he didn't want to risk going outside and falling.  I think part of the reason is that he is loosing hope on getting better.  He's so burnt out fighting and fighting with his condition that he just wants it over and have his life back again.  I could understand that.  I get burnt out too because I am still lifting him up from the sofa and wiping himself after he goes to the bathroom and doing other things too.