Change of concerns

I am concerned about my mother.  My stepfather and her have to move at the end of the month.  She hasn't really looked since my sister has been doing all the looking.  Both my mother and my sister's family live in Connecticut.  Mom doesn't want to live in Danbury and there aren't any big apartments in Ridgefield.  So them both are going to stay with my sister for a while, which will be nice.  It would be awkward for my mother since she doesn't like my sister's husband because of his anger issues.  But we all have anger issues every once in a while, and he was nice enough to pay for their rents but cannot do it anymore which was why my mother and her husband has to move since they cannot afford the rent that is very high.

Since my mother is very picky, My stepbrother was going to buy a condo and said that they could move into the condo in NY.  Mom doesn't want to move to NY and again will continue to be depressed because that means she will be away from my sister and her kids which she has been going back and forth.  The condo will be an hour away.  I have a feeling she will not be happy.

That also changes EVERYTHING with Craig and my plans since we were going down to Connecticut to move to be closer to her since she isn't getting any younger, and also be closer to my sister and her family.  Now Craig and I may just stay in Vermont and get a small house somewhere.  I am a little upset because I wanted to be closer to the family rather than 5 hours away.

I know we have to think of a place to settle down in and now I am a little confused what to do and where to go.  If something happens to Craig, I will be all alone here in Vermont.  If we move down to Connecticut, at least I would be around family for support.  So I worry about this whole situation.

The need to return to Northern Ireland

I watch movies and shows about Ireland and its getting me depressed more.  I know I shouldn't be watching but its where my heart is and I do enjoy those kind of movies and shows.  I feel that its where I should and suppose to be.  I find myself not happy again like I once was before I moved to Northern Ireland back in 1992 which was part of the reason why I left the United States.  I could kick myself in the ass for following someone that never been when I returned year 2000.  I should had never returned to the United States.  I was going to stay in New York for 10 days then head down to Florida to see a guy which was never been.  I should had returned to Northern Ireland after my 10 days was up.

Craig knows that I want to return and I think he is worried about sacrificing some things like his housing voucher that allows us to have a reduce rate for renting an apartment.  I do think about these things too and also whether he will get the services there in Ireland.  We would be giving up a lot of things like our furniture, the car, and possibly the cats too.

This discussion will continue with him and me.  He does want to move to Europe, so we'll see what we could figure out.

Its a bumpy road

The past few nights has been interesting.  I have been hearing quite a few things about Craig and his past as I guess he needs to get it off his chest, but the ones that goes into debt he never got into and in time he will tell me.  I knew part of it was what happened to him in the past and at the same time I knew that it was his old doctor (Ann Lemire) who he now calls the dragon lady was stirring up his emotions.  Also what I had learned that he was talking to his counselor about us, which we were on bumpy roads at times since we both met, and he ended up telling the doctor who works at the clinic as well under the same roof as the doctor.  It annoyed me because counselors aren't suppose to say anything outside of the room of the counselor's office, the counselor told the doctor.  So she told Craig that he needed to ask me to leave the house.  In other words she was trying to break us up.

Sometime last year I guess a button was pressed in his head and he ended up getting fed up and asked me to leave.  I didn't know what he was talking about and was confused.  He kept repeating himself that I needed to leave and go back to my family or have my sister give me a ticket to return to Ireland or something as he put it, but I had to leave.  I was putting the puzzle together to even why he was saying all this and the dragon lady was behind all this.

I eventually became very emotional and was in a panic stage.  I wondered what was going to happen to me because at the time I was waiting for my disability, no money was coming in, and I wasn't going to go down to my family as they are the last people I wanted to stay with.  They are a good family and would watch out for me but i would be feeling that the little boy is returning home from school or from running away.

I ended up calling my sister with tears going down my face and she was concerned on whats happening to me. I was talking to her about 10 minutes and she wanted to talk to Craig and after a good 20 minutes of talking he handed over phone back to me as I was talking to her again she was telling me that I have to realize that he was really sick because what he was going through and went through 2 kidney failures.  The outcome of this was he was going to give me 30 days and see how it goes.  The past 30 days I had remained calm because I do have my moments as well.

What we also discussed about these past couple of days was that from the beginning of meeting together and officially boyfriends, he kept his distance and was feared of getting hurt again.  I felt that neglected for 5 or 6 years that I was started to become a loss of interest with him that I ended up searching for another guy online, not to leave Craig, but a boyfriend on the side who would care the way I wanted to be treated, the way I wanted to be kissed and not a kiss by a heterosexual pecking my lips.

I felt very alone with all this that is happening, I was wondering where my life was heading.  I was still waiting for my disability to come through, at the same time if I had would had left him, wondering if he would be okay.  I am pretty much of a caring person, but as I mentioned I do have my moments.