Its a bumpy road

The past few nights has been interesting.  I have been hearing quite a few things about Craig and his past as I guess he needs to get it off his chest, but the ones that goes into debt he never got into and in time he will tell me.  I knew part of it was what happened to him in the past and at the same time I knew that it was his old doctor (Ann Lemire) who he now calls the dragon lady was stirring up his emotions.  Also what I had learned that he was talking to his counselor about us, which we were on bumpy roads at times since we both met, and he ended up telling the doctor who works at the clinic as well under the same roof as the doctor.  It annoyed me because counselors aren't suppose to say anything outside of the room of the counselor's office, the counselor told the doctor.  So she told Craig that he needed to ask me to leave the house.  In other words she was trying to break us up.

Sometime last year I guess a button was pressed in his head and he ended up getting fed up and asked me to leave.  I didn't know what he was talking about and was confused.  He kept repeating himself that I needed to leave and go back to my family or have my sister give me a ticket to return to Ireland or something as he put it, but I had to leave.  I was putting the puzzle together to even why he was saying all this and the dragon lady was behind all this.

I eventually became very emotional and was in a panic stage.  I wondered what was going to happen to me because at the time I was waiting for my disability, no money was coming in, and I wasn't going to go down to my family as they are the last people I wanted to stay with.  They are a good family and would watch out for me but i would be feeling that the little boy is returning home from school or from running away.

I ended up calling my sister with tears going down my face and she was concerned on whats happening to me. I was talking to her about 10 minutes and she wanted to talk to Craig and after a good 20 minutes of talking he handed over phone back to me as I was talking to her again she was telling me that I have to realize that he was really sick because what he was going through and went through 2 kidney failures.  The outcome of this was he was going to give me 30 days and see how it goes.  The past 30 days I had remained calm because I do have my moments as well.

What we also discussed about these past couple of days was that from the beginning of meeting together and officially boyfriends, he kept his distance and was feared of getting hurt again.  I felt that neglected for 5 or 6 years that I was started to become a loss of interest with him that I ended up searching for another guy online, not to leave Craig, but a boyfriend on the side who would care the way I wanted to be treated, the way I wanted to be kissed and not a kiss by a heterosexual pecking my lips.

I felt very alone with all this that is happening, I was wondering where my life was heading.  I was still waiting for my disability to come through, at the same time if I had would had left him, wondering if he would be okay.  I am pretty much of a caring person, but as I mentioned I do have my moments.

Is it going to end?

Last night I had been feeling emotional in bed.  I was putting on Craig's hand supporters to help him keep his wrists up and was thinking back how he was able to use his hands with pain free as well in his legs.  He was telling me about that this is life and we would have to deal with things like this whether we like it or not.  He is getting slightly better, I wish it was now.  I suppose that I am worrying about if this is going to be the way his life is going to be, and receiving those monthly treatments at the IV fusion place to help his immune system.

I was thinking back the times before any of this has happened.  Approximately 2 1/2 years ago one day he left the house on his appointment feeling fine and dandy until he came back and got out of the cab and his leg gave up.  That's when things started happening.  I also was thinking about how he used to cook dinners and helping around the house and taking those walks.  I think that kind of hit me when i was laying in bed last time.

Do you know how things in life change?  I don't know why but I cannot seem to accept that whole thing had happened to him and I just want to wake up from this dream

The Hands and Legs

It seems that Craig has been a little depressed about his condition.  He is feeling pain in his left leg and wondering if he would have straight hands again since his wrists are pushed downwards making his hands down like a puppy's front paw as if the front leg was up.  There is little muscle meat on the top of his forearm which makes it difficult for him to lift his hands up since that's where he could be able to have the strength in him.  if he has that, then he would be able to lift his hands up. He doesn't even know if the physical therapy is working.  The therapist see some movement, Time is running out and doesn't know if his insurance will cover it.  He just has to continue with his homework at home, even after the treatments are over.  

It snowed today so he didn't want to risk going outside and falling.  I think part of the reason is that he is loosing hope on getting better.  He's so burnt out fighting and fighting with his condition that he just wants it over and have his life back again.  I could understand that.  I get burnt out too because I am still lifting him up from the sofa and wiping himself after he goes to the bathroom and doing other things too.

Researching

Well we have been doing some researching to relocate back to Northern Ireland.  Yes, that's right.  I think its time to leave the US permanently and start a new life somewhere else.  I know Derry pretty well since I had lived there for 9 years.  I had sent some emails out for imformation, so I hope to get the information that I need.  This will be different for me because I am now with someone and we have three cats.  I also have been asking my friends there what they could do to help us out.  He actually wants to relocate to Spain but I think that once we are settled in Derry, we could be able to take trips to Spain if he wanted to.

Not giving up

ITs 8:50pm and just finished watching Eighteen when Craig had to go to the bathroom.  I was in the livingroom when I heard sounds coming from the bathrooom, sniffling.  I knew that he was crying.  He broke out in tears when I went in there.   I know that he wishes his hands weren't curled in the way they are.  He kept crying saying he isn't ready to throw in the towel.  There are soo much things he is doing and is not giving up.  He's going through physical therapy and doing some pool exercises which are good for him.  I suppose his insurance is up to the Max or something and its up the physical therapist to add more paperwork to get an extend.  I too wish things were the way they were.  He just has to keep trying and pushing at making his hands get better, its the only way he could do this right so he could recover through all this.

Back to life, back to reality

Now that the caregiver is gone we could think about getting back to the swing of things.  I can't believe we are still talking about her.   I just want to forget her and move on with our lives just like she is as well I'm sure.

I know its my duty to watch over Robert and take care of him and making sure nothing happens to him because he needs me.  He would do the same for me.  Yes it is frustrating but that's just life.  I have to be able to control myself and not feeling the need of being under pressure and not to be difficult because I can be but I do love him and love being with him and taking care of each other.

We do plan on getting married once that the weather gets much better.  Oh yes, that is still in the books.

Its so nice we had this together...

We had to have our caregiver to leave work due to things that she has been doing that could be dangerous for both Robert and me.  Don't get me wrong the caregiver was really nice and could do her work great.  She is very fast at her work.  Very friendly Christian.

I have been aware of the dangers of Robert and me:

- we have to watch out for what we say because she was a Christian

- she has been taking us both on appointments and shopping with the use of her vehicle and she can be brainless ie she may drive too close to the driver in front, switching lanes when she isn't suppose to.

- She used a hand towel that had been using 

- I noticed that the back door has been opened a couple of times and she made it wasn't her.  We never go out the back door.  I normally keep the door in a way that you could open the door from the inside but after closing it, the door would lock on the outside.  The button was always opened on the knob so both sides could be opened.

- She placed her coffee Thermos in the microwave for 2 minutes and started a fire 

- She used our hand towel which we use for our faces and clean our bodies with by using Soft Scrub.  
I was wondering why my face has been smelling like Soft Scrub everywhere I go.  Then she told me that she has been using it for toilets and other cleaning areas.  I was furious.  She said she did not know but I think it is commonsense that you don't place bleached cloths on top of colored cloths (which our hand towel was).  I don't even know why she was using the hand cloths in the first place for cleaning.

After Robert and I had a discussion about me speaking up since I don't really speak my mind, because I don' like to hurt people's feelings, I decided to speak my mind toward her and that when things started to get hostile.  I started to get upset that I didn't want to have to deal with anything that came my way.  And I had an appointment with my counselor and had canceled it.  I had to remove myself

There was hostility between the caregiver and me.  I felt very awkward about it and I suddenly felt uncomfortable her around especially her disrespecting me whenever Robert and I had a disagreement about something.  She had nothing to do with our relationship.  I didn't want to argue or disagreement with my partner as long as "the guest" as I put it.  She said she wasn't a guest.  I wasn't going to back down and told her that she was a guest and not going to have a discussion as long as she was around.  Even after she left I was still quiet and didn't really want to talk for the evening.

Robert and I eventually talked because he really thought I was going to leave him.  He has been hurt in the past.  Everyone has been hurt in the past and that's just life and we have to find a way to cope and live through it.  Even I have been hurt in the past.

So the outcome of it that we had to let her go, otherwise it would be continuously hostility and I didn't want to feel that I was in the wrong all the time because I wasn't.  I didn't want to have to think something to happen and I refuse to allow someone like that to overpower me like that.

This situation nearly jeopardize our relationship and what will happen now.  The only thing I could think of is just to talk to him about what will happen and not to worry about what will happen even though we as people say things when we are angry and upset.

I feel relieved that she is gone because I also didn't like how she was going through our files and documentation.  Now we could be able to continue with our life.

Its funny because when I opened the front door to check the mail, the blanket that I had for her for Christmas was returned.  That was okay showed where her morals were and very stubborn and immature.  But lucky me, I have an offer for that particular blanket to sell it for $100.00.  My friend wants it so it all turned out fine.  I could use the money too.